I'm a natural blond, so please speak slowly
by Xx-AnGeLiC dEvIl-xX
Summary: In this evil fic, Legolas is a dumb blond! Fangirls, please don't kill me. Will be taking his stupidy to the extremes. And the bad thing is, the other eight havta put up with him for the rest of the journey!
1. Mirkwood morning

I'm a natural blond, so please speak slowly.  
  
A/N: Ok. I know some Legolas-fans who are gonna read this would probably hunt me down and kill me. Or to any blond who takes this offensively. So that's why I bought a bulletproof vest! (Mwhahahahahah!) And I have Evil alien monkeys disguised as yellow orangutans with guns from outer space and pink spotted untamable flower gorillas at my side too. (MWHAHAHAHAH!! Now you can't get me!!) So now I'm unstoppable.  
  
I like that guy too. And I know he's not stupid. He's smart. No wait... he's WISE actually (it's the same thing)!! All I can do is blame it on the humor fics I read before. And that's how I got my idea. A lot of people made him girlish too especially some drawings on the site called www.elfwood.com. So I guess that's were I got my idea. But I'm sure it's still not original.  
  
In this fic, Legolas' stupidity is to the extremes. He's a dumb blond. So sorry again if it's offensive to any Leggy fans or blondes out there.  
  
Reviews are most gratefully welcome and Flames will be used to be mocked at, yelled back at, frowned at and may be fed to my baby Balrog that is secretly hidden in my closet to be used to take over the world once it is fully grown.  
  
*~*  
  
I'm a natural blond so please speak slowly!  
  
Legolas awoke to the beautiful sounds of Mirkwood. He yawned, stretched and picked up the long wooden thing that was lying next to him. "Oh my hair!" He exclaimed, examining it. "I have slept too long!"  
  
An Elven maid came in his chambers and placed the bed tray full of food. "My lord, here is your supper."  
  
"My super? Am I not supposed to be having my breakfast?" He asked looking at the wooden thing again.  
  
The maid sighed. "It is eight in the evening my lord."  
  
"But it says here it's ten AM." Prince Legolas said, his eyes never moving from the stick-like shape.  
  
The maid mentally rolled her eyes. Legolas was the only one able to read a ruler. Every night, he takes it to bed with him to see how long he slept. No one knew how the hell he used it.  
  
"It's not in AM this ruler it's in Centimeters." The maid pointed out.  
  
"You do not know anything! You're idiotic!" Legolas yelled sticking out his nose so up so high, that he was able to sniff the Valar's arse. "Seriously! Am I the only one who knows how to use this intelligent inverntion!? I grow annoyed of you! BE GONE! Be gone before my beautiful blue elven eyes!"  
  
The maid huffed angrily and stormed out of the room. Every single day was like this. He always insulted her at her 'idiocy'. She went out of the doors and purposely slammed the doors hard.  
  
Legolas sighed angrily and began to eat his meal. He decided to eat what was in the bowl on the corner of the bed-tray. "Oooooooooh look at all those donut seeds!" He exclaimed happily gazing into the bowl of Cheerios cereal, completely forgetting the recent event.  
  
The king of Mirkwood, Thranduil, suddenly entered the Prince's chambers. "Mae Govannin, Legolas. I have not seen you all day. Why have been sleeping for so long?"  
  
"I am sorry Father, I will try to wake up earlier than 10 in the morning next time." Legolas said getting up, unaware of the tray full of food he just dropped.  
  
"What are you saying, son? It is eight in the evening." Thranduil scratching his head.  
  
"No look." Legolas insisted, picking up the ruler. "It is ten am."  
  
The king shrugged and decided to change the queer subject. "You must pack up quickly. You should have arrived in Rivendell a long time ago, but since you overslept..."  
  
"Aaah yes...the quest to destroy the evil ring of doom." Legolas remembered.  
  
"Yes Legolas. Are you sure you want to go?" Thranduil asked in concern. He did not want his son to leave. Mostly because he knew that he was a dumb blond. "Please make up your mind before you leave."  
  
Legolas thought for a moment, then walked up to his dresser mirror and picked up some lipstick. To Thranduil's shock, Legolas began putting it on his forehead. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!??"  
  
"I'm making up my mind." Legolas said innocently, looking at his father who slapped his forehead.  
  
"So you will go on the quest?"  
  
"Yes, father."  
  
"May the Gods have mercy on us all."  
  
*~*  
  
Was that bad? Sorry if you didn't like it. But I sure as hell enjoyed writing it! I know some of you already heard of these jokes, right? I'll try to come up with some of my own, in the future chapters. In the meantime, REVIEW!! Whoo-hooo! (hey! That sort of rhymes!)  
  
Here's some Blond joke for you too.  
  
TopReasons Why COmputers n Blondes don't mix..  
  
"Like, there's more numbers than 0 and 1!"  
  
It's not easy to remove fingernail polish from the keys.  
  
The alphabet is not in the right order on the keyboard.  
  
Computers refuse to answer when blondes talk to them.  
  
Blondes can't figure out which key starts the processor.  
  
The screen can't handle that much whiteout.  
  
Too many broken nails jam the keyboard.  
  
They keep trying to force feed cheese to the mouse. 


	2. Oh the stupidity!

A/N: You know, the funny thing is that yesterday, I was watching Lord of the rings movie. And when the camera zoomed on Legolas in the Rivendell part, my little (6 yrs old) sister began screaming, "It's the elf! It's the elf!"  
  
So then she goes up to me and asks, "Ral (my nickname), how much did he break?"  
  
And I'm like, "What do you mean?"  
  
"You know...how much did he break?"  
  
"Break what!?" I said.  
  
"Can you tell me how much nails did he break!?"  
  
And I started cracking up with laughter for God knows how long. What she meant was, 'how many limbs did he break' cuz she overheard me saying that the actor who plays his role is accident prone and he broke his foot, his rib, his skull 3 times, his back...etc.  
  
Anywho, god that was funny... ANYWHO, thx for my first 5 reviewers. You're replies are at the bottom.  
  
*~*  
  
I'm a natural blond so please speak slowly  
  
*~*  
  
"LEGOLAS! Where have you been!?" Elrond said walking up to him.  
  
"Well, you see, Lord Elrond," Legolas said as he climbed off his horse, which he had been sitting on the wrong way. "On the first day, ada said I 'over-selpt'--which I'm sure I didn't -- and after I left from my home to journey here, I was almost near your place but then I saw a sign that said 'Imlandris left' so I packed up and went home."  
  
Elrond smacked his forehead. "Did you not know that the sign said the DIRECTION?"  
  
"Oh yes, that is what Ada said to me after I got back to Mirkwood."  
  
"Come inside, you must be wary." Said Elrond as he sighed.  
  
As they walked down the halls, Legolas looked at the elf lord. "Hmm...Lord Elrond, do you think I should dye my hair brown?"  
  
"No Legolas," He said firmly. "It would be declared as 'Artificial Intelligence'"  
  
"Ahh..." Said Legolas, obviously not understanding what he meant.  
  
Suddenly Legolas fainted.  
  
*~*  
  
"What happened to him, Elrond?" Asked Gandalf. "Why did he faint?"  
  
Aragorn, Gandalf and Elrond were all in a chamber, watching the unconscious Legolas in anxiousness.  
  
"He forgot to breath again." Elrond said as he got up. "Really Gandalf, I am not sure if Legolas is uh...cut out to be a member of the fellowship. I just think he is too stupid."  
  
"Nonsense, Elrond!" Gandalf replied. "I am sure that this elf is as wise as you and eye. Maybe he wants to give us a bit of a laugh."  
  
"No he doesn't. I KNOW him, Mithrandir." Elrond said darkly. "I've known him ever since he was a little elfling. How he tripped over cordless phones (note: I'm gonna put some modern stuff in the story), how he tried to drown a fish..."  
  
Gandalf was about to say something back when the heard a loud girlish scream. The turned around and they saw Legolas out of bed and panicking madly. "I'M BLIND!! OH DEAR ELBERETH, I CAN'T SEE!! I'M BLIND!! OH WHAT CRUEL FATE THAT HAS BEEN BESTOWED UPON ME!!"  
  
Aragorn was trying to calm him down but the elf was going crazy.  
  
Elrond sighed again in frustration. "You stupid Sylvan elf! You forgot to open your eyes once more!"  
  
Legolas opened his eyes and a sudden look of happiness formed upon his face but then he looked at Elrond, cleared his throat, and looked snobilishly at him. "I knew that! I was uh...I was just testing you."  
  
"Testing me? TESTING ME ON WHAT?!" Elrond yelled.  
  
Aragorn laughed and tried to change the situation. "Come my elf friend, I shall take you out for a drink to forget your worries."  
  
"Ooooh! I want smoked beef with oriental vegetable salad! " Yelled Legolas as he clapped his hands together.  
  
"I said a drink not a meal."  
  
*~*  
  
So what didja think? Hope it wasn't TOO bad! Anyways, the joke of the day/fic.  
  
How do blondes spell 'farm?'  
  
Answer: E-I-E-I-O!!!!  
  
And...  
  
A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Empire State building. Who lands first?  
  
Answer: The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.  
  
*~*  
  
Review Replies:  
  
Mrs Frodo Baggins: Thanks, oh and I've heard of that joke before except it was in a pic! :-)  
  
Imbefaniel: Lmao! I had to reread your review at least 3 times so it can make sense. Lol, I guess I'm just a dumb blonde too. Ah well, anways, about the lipstick thing. I really don't know, my friend, and perhaps, we shall never know. I don't want to anyway, the thought kinda scares me.  
  
DiPlOmAtIc LuNaTiC: Lol! Thanks! Hope u like this one!  
  
Rain Minstrel and Raewyn: Rain: Hey, thanks! Raewyn: Lol, I dunno. You're gonna have to ask a dumb blonde, that question. Hehe...  
  
Oddwen: Thanks. Sorry if it hurt ur feelings, I just thought it might be funny. What's worst is that I'm a brunette who should have been blonde! 


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